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Having children can sometimes be a love-hate relationship. While you love your children to bits and will do anything for them, there�s no denying that having them in your life affects your marriage and relationships with others. This is especially true for married couples. While most parents agree that having children brings them closer as a couple and keeps the marriage going through tough times, children are also their major cause of fights.
The additional time, responsibilities and money spent on bringing up children (in these competitive times) can take a toll on even the strongest marriage. Here are the top 5 conflicts for parents, and recommended solutions by parents who have successfully managed to overcome them:
BATTLE NO 1: MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
Bringing up baby may involve more money than you expect. If you decide to stop work to take care of baby, the stress is doubled as the family struggles with a single-income packet.
Even if you continue working, sparks tend to fly at the end of the month when the bills start coming in and you realize you�ve busted your budget that month with unexpected spending on baby, whether medical bills, toys or baby products.
SOLUTION: It helps to start cutting back on unnecessary spending once you discover you�re expecting a baby, advise experienced parents. �It�s about getting the mindset ready for the additional financial responsibilities that are coming your way. Children always incur spending in unexpected ways, so we should be prudent with spending to avoid being stretched for cash, which will lead to quarrels with the spouse,� says Marina Tan, mother of three.
Most importantly, both parents must commit to the same cause. �Resentment tends to build up when one parent is watching every cent trying to save for the children�s education and welfare, while the other is being spendthrift by buying toys, gadgets and unnecessary stuff,� advises Dato� Dr Mat Saat Baki, a psychologist and marital therapist at Pantai Hospital Kuala Lumpur.
Discuss with your spouse before buying anything especially large bill items such as gadgets, repainting the house, changing cars or furniture. Good communication will lessen long-term resentment and keep the marriage going through good and bad financial times.
BATTLE NO 2: SEXPECTATIONS
You might not know it, but fathers are often jealous of their babies because mothers spend so much time fussing over them. And because taking care of small children can be really time and energy-consuming, fathers feel neglected and dejected, especially when their spouses are too tired at the end of the day for some bedtime romp.
SOLUTION: If nothing else, this is the biggest �Men is from Mars, Women are from Venus� divide: the need for sex. After an entire day of putting your children and baby�s needs first, all a mommy wants at night is most probably sleep, not sex. If you�re breastfeeding, you may have even less libido because your hormones would be totally at odds at this time.
SOLUTION: Take time to discuss and let your partner know why you are simply not in the mood, advises Dr Mat Saat. Also grab every chance to rest and sleep when your baby is sleeping because it will give you the energy for your big baby � the husband!
BATTLE NO 3: HOUSEWORK
Your home is no longer yours once you have babies and children. Even the most angelic of children tend to spill, spoil, stain and splatter. Walls, floors, doors and everything else is not spared- and neither are you.
The continuous cleaning and clearing will take the toll on a marriage, unless you hire a domestic maid. If not, be prepared to lock horns over who should do the dishes, wash the toilet, sweep or vacuum, wash the car, clean the windows and more.
SOLUTION: The problem in Asia is that society still expects women to handle all the housework. Thus, a messy home reflects a poorly managed home, even when the woman brings home the bacon or earns substantially more than the man.
�The only way to resolve this is to recognize that housework is a shared responsibility, whether in a single or double income family. Both spouses must discuss and come to terms with who does what to prevent what can potentially spiral into a major problem,� says Dr Mat Saat.
Other alternative solutions include getting a weekend cleaner or using technology such as robotic cleaners that vacuum the house while you are at work. Otherwise, just accept that your home will never be as clean as you want it to be!
BATTLE NO 4: CHILDCARE
Did you think the ideal situation is for a mother to quit her job and take care of her children 24/7? Not necessarily, as Khairun Said, mother to 4-year-old Nisha, found out.
�I thought I was being a �perfect mum� when I resigned to take care of Nisha when she was born. But I was so unhappy with my role as stay-home mum that we were fighting worse than ever!� she recalls.
In some cases, grandparents of the children fight to be babysitters, while in other cases, working parents squabble on whose parents they should leave their baby with. These fights are often intense because they both have the same objective in mind: who can provide baby the best care in the absence of both parents.
SOLUTION: There�s no one-size-fits-all answer for this as each family has different needs and value systems where childcare is concerned. The best way to handle this is to acknowledge your partner�s concerns and address them.
In Khairun�s case, for instance, she managed to convince her spouse that their daughter will be well-cared for by her own mother, while she went back to work. What�s important is that the decision is a shared decision, so that both you and your spouse will not feel that your life is being compromised because of your parenting responsibilities.
BATTLE NO 5: SELF-IDENTITY
Once you have children in your life, your life is never the same. Forget about sleeping in on a nice cold Sunday if your baby demands an immediate feed. And romantic holidays when you have busted your budget on baby�s hospital bills. More so spending time with your friends when you can hardly find enough time for yourself and your baby.
It�s easy to blame your partner for making you a mom when you can�t join your best friend�s party of the year or can�t fit into your premarital clothes. Fathers too, reciprocate by reminding you that they�ve sacrificed many football matches, drinking parties or even overseas postings to be with the family.
SOLUTION: Remember that having children was a joint decision, so stop the blame game between each other. Dr Mat Saat adds, �The good news is that this situation is usually temporary. Just hang on together until the children are grown and have their own lives. By then, you�ll be able to enjoy the life you used to have, or even better because by then, your finances would be more stable and you can do even more than before. At that time, you�d be glad to have someone to come home to at night or to travel with!�
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