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The decision to divorce often leaves kids feeling angry, sad, and confused. While it is a difficult period of adjustment for any child, there are things you can do to ease the transition and minimize the pain. Agree on an explanation.
Discuss with your spouse the explanation that you are going to give your child for the divorce. Keep it as close to the truth as possible, without undermining the child�s relationship with either parent. For example, something like the following is concise and non blaming �Daddy and Mommy have been having a lot of problems. We argue a lot and hurt each other�s feelings often. We have realized that as hard as we try we cannot be happy together anymore. We have decided that it would be best for us to live separately, and to not be married. This decision is in no way your fault, nor has anything to do with anything you did. Although we are divorcing, we will continue to be your mommy and daddy and we both will love you always.�
Anticipate questions.
Older children may have a lot of questions. Only give them as much information as you have agreed upon. Although you may be tempted to let an older child know that the divorce was not your fault, this will only serve to undermine your child�s relationship with your ex, and put your child in the position of having to choose sides. With younger children, it is usually best to keep your explanation simple and to the point.
Get along with your ex for your child�s sake.
The importance of this cannot be overstated. You may think it is impossible to get along with your former spouse. It may be the reason you are divorcing. But, being divorced is very different from being married. You only need to cooperate and reach consensus on one front- how to parent your children. Then you can go home and live as you please. Here are some basic ground rules:
1. Never trash your ex-spouse.
2. Never ask your child to be a go between.
3. Never argue about your children in front of your children.
4. Never compete for your children
5. Never ask your children to choose between you.
6. Never pry information about your ex from your children.
Talk with a divorce counselor if necessary. Remember, the aim is to create a united front for the sake of your children.
Allow your child to express his feelings.
Your child may not want to hurt your feelings, but encourage him to express himself anyway. Let him know that his feelings are important and that you are big enough to handle whatever he has to say. Acknowledge his feelings of sadness or anger, and offer him understanding and support. If he speaks of feelings of guilt, let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not to blame for the divorce.
Talk about the future.
Answer your children�s questions about what will happen. Explain that they will be spending part of the time with mommy and part with daddy, but they will be loved by both of you as much as ever. As you have more information about the logistics of the divorce, fill your children in. If you don�t have answers yet, let your children know that, and tell them that you will let them know as soon as things have been decided.
Create as much stability as possible during the transition.
Maintain routines, rituals and discipline. Once the separation occurs, it is natural that the set of rules for the common house will morph into something else in each household. This can be confusing and unsettling for children. Consistent boundaries and expectations give children a sense of structure and safety . Discuss this issue with your ex, and try to maintain consistent expectations and rules across households, as much as possible.
Show your child love.
More than ever, your child needs to know that he is loved. Take time to tell him you love him, show him affection and spend quality time with him.
Take care of yourself.
The more centered and stable you are during this change the more secure your child will feel. Stay connected with friends and family, and get the support you need. Never use your child as a sounding board or a confidante. Get professional counseling if necessary to help you in this process.
Consider outside support for your children.
Many school and communities have divorce support groups for children. These groups can give kids a voice and let them know that they are not alone. Individual counseling can give a child support and help him to clarify and process his feelings about the divorce, and his new life.
| About The Author Cindy Jett, LICSW is a psychotherapist and author of Harry the Happy Caterpillar Grows, an acclaimed picture book that helps children adapt to change. For more information, visit http://www.harrythehappycaterpillar.com.
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